............

I'm hating this , all of it. A feeling of nothingness .. like a lack of something creative has rendered the brain, the body and even the spirit useless .. a cheap state of existence that has no meaning .. Has the blood turned cold ? Am i even alive? If i pinch myself i dont feel a thing .. except a form of pain that has no consequences .. It doesn't ignite a will to retaliate , and even if i do it's more because it's customary to do so .. and not because of an animal urge to put things back in order...

I want to feel the thirst to be loved , and to love back, with a rawness and fervour that would awaken my senses. I want to yield to torture , I want someone to break me .. and along with it this facade of maturity , sense and perfection .. I want to be human again , imperfect again, someone who would laugh and cry , someone who is replete with emotions , fervent and spontaneous .. Sometimes I feel experience is a bad thing, it kills the spontaneity.. it teaches you to react in particular ways. The bad thing - it teaches you .. trains you , thus turning you into someone who is correct but not you .. or so i feel.

There is no happiness and there is no pain.. a dullness has seeped in , and quietened the gush of blood in my veins .. It feels like my senses have abandoned me. There has to be something that would defeat this dullness. Come, someone come and defeat me .. drive me insane in a flash ... let me escape to extremities ...