A Moment Of Thought....

I should ideally sleep RIGHT NOW!! Feeling too tired to think .. or write. But there's a feeling inside me that I want to put down in words before I lose it. After a long time I can say for sure that I'm happy. Not that I'm satisfied or feeling complete .. but yes I can feel the happiness. There are pros and there are cons, there are things I like and things I don't like about my life . There are situations I willingly accept and situations that are best forgotten. Yes, all this is true. But there is a joy in living and I'm certain I feel it..

Dont ask me why 'cause I probably don't know. But when I read this one particular evening several months later, tired and exhausted after work, I know for sure I'll smile and that moment will be precious.

So you see, it was important to pen this down :))

............

I'm hating this , all of it. A feeling of nothingness .. like a lack of something creative has rendered the brain, the body and even the spirit useless .. a cheap state of existence that has no meaning .. Has the blood turned cold ? Am i even alive? If i pinch myself i dont feel a thing .. except a form of pain that has no consequences .. It doesn't ignite a will to retaliate , and even if i do it's more because it's customary to do so .. and not because of an animal urge to put things back in order...

I want to feel the thirst to be loved , and to love back, with a rawness and fervour that would awaken my senses. I want to yield to torture , I want someone to break me .. and along with it this facade of maturity , sense and perfection .. I want to be human again , imperfect again, someone who would laugh and cry , someone who is replete with emotions , fervent and spontaneous .. Sometimes I feel experience is a bad thing, it kills the spontaneity.. it teaches you to react in particular ways. The bad thing - it teaches you .. trains you , thus turning you into someone who is correct but not you .. or so i feel.

There is no happiness and there is no pain.. a dullness has seeped in , and quietened the gush of blood in my veins .. It feels like my senses have abandoned me. There has to be something that would defeat this dullness. Come, someone come and defeat me .. drive me insane in a flash ... let me escape to extremities ...

The Heart Is Homeward Bound ...

"That crazed girl improvising her music.
Her poetry, dancing upon the shore,
Her soul in division from itself
Climbing, falling She knew not where.." - A Crazed Girl, W.B Yeats


Do you sometimes feel this irresistible urge to tear yourself away from all your ties and connections, and shut yourself up .. in vacuum.. ? I do (and I hope it doesn't sound like madness, though if it does , so be it). Where there are no other voices , except your own ; where you are the solitary creature who speaks and listens at the same time. You can no longer suppress the noises in your soul , they become so audible suddenly.

It was a crazy day for me. Nothing happened. Except that I just felt crazy , for no practical reasons. I was just looking for something I guess.. frantically , and I didn't know what it was, or where. The whole day was an ordeal to say the least. Initially i felt uncontrollably wild , feeling infuriated at the slightest provocation , probably even no provocation at all. Then I just became quiet . And the fact remains that nothing had happened.

So I came back home.. No, I think I staggered back home . Next I locked myself up in vacuum. Complete silence. For a few moments I searched for that answer , in the innermost recesses of my being..trying to figure out the unfathomable cravings of my heart - and then,I suddenly knew it.

You know how a child cries and throws tantrums for his/her favourite toy in the store? He MUST have it , and no reasoning or justification would suffice. As for me, though I'm ashamed to admit it, it is the unquenching thirst for love. Maybe the warmth of home is what the heart pines for, and is being refused , time and again. And that makes it go wild. This time too , no reasoning or justification will suffice.

In a way maybe I knew the answer all along , but suppressed it till the noise within me grew louder. Now that I know it , and admit it , the noise will choke me till I respond.