Looking Back...

Yesterday was a pretty bad day. It was freezing here, with temperatures as low as -5 deg C . To add to it, the icy cold winds did no good either. No doubt I'm glad I survived it. You won't believe if i told you that inspite of all this, I was 'thinking' while I walked back home. I guess my mind works in extreme conditions!

I was thinking of the times when I led a sheltered life, surrounded by my very own people - people who would send me off to a doctor each time I had a sore throat or fever (and that was pretty often). People who would stand by you through rain and sunshine, believe in your goodness and ignore your follies. People who made life seem like a dream. That must have been ages back , because life has surely changed since then. I remember the first time i recognised
my thirst to venture out into the world by myself - the independent streak in me coming alive. Now when I think of it, at times I cant help feeling that it was a ludicrous decision - I was so gullible then. However defying all reason and logic, I did venture out, right after my school-leaving. Perhaps then I didn't have the slightest inkling how difficult, or absolutely impossible , it would be to return to my roots someday. Ever since then I'm struggling to turn unknown houses into homes, absolute strangers into bosom-buddies, and to instill a sense of belongingness wherever I go. And then once in a while there dawns a fine morning which makes you realize that unknown houses don't become homes and that you know your buddies no more than any other stranger walking down the streets.

So on and so forth , the years go by, sometimes hastily, sometimes painstakingly slow. Little by little it erodes our faith away. And whatever remains is stashed away in a corner of our hearts that is inaccessible to anyone else, perhaps even to ourselves.

So like I said, the times have changed. Nowadays, no one asks me to see a doctor every time I get fever. Nowadays I'm not as gullible. I try to stand by people during their times of rain and sunshine, and try not to expect it in return (though I confess it feels mighty good when they do). Needless to say, nowadays life is not a dream . Perhaps you're right, i've just grown up..

But then, the thought of turning unknown houses into homes , of finding friends among strangers .. I still hold on to these ethereal dreams .. I still yearn for that sense of belongingness wherever I go..

Well, Life's like that ...

A Saturday Morning ..

I love my room in the city . It's at a level high enough to blur out the reality , but not so high that you lose touch with your surroundings.. and when you look right ahead you can see so much of the sky. For those who know , that's quite a thing in Mumbai. Every morning when the sun first wakes me up, i instantly get drawn towards the window .. perhaps i love the way the first light of morning hurts my eyes , and urges me to start living without wasting another moment. I can't help smiling then , because it's yet another new morning , leaving behind the cold , dark night. If it's a Saturday,i have the luxury of not having to count the minutes i spend by the window, gazing at oblivion and dreaming of things that'll never be . It gives me a sense of freedom. My circumstances may make me accept the things as they really are , even though i don't really like it that way .. but it's fascinating how no person , nothing can bind your soul into shackles , no one can touch the inner core that MUST soar high.. Such are my Saturday mornings ..
I dream of the impossible . Even though i know it's just that - 'impossible' , it's my way of looking at Life straight in the eye and saying that im not giving up ,not just yet..
While i'm caught between the realms of reality and fantasy, my eyes wander to several floors below me to find a group of children playing .I don't remember what they call that game , but I think I've played that as a child. I remember how i would run back home , dancing to some tune i learnt in school that day , my happy little feet covered with dust and dirt. Then how while washing them the first splash of cold water would feel so soothing. That was so many years back . Now here I am , watching a group of kids prance around before my eyes , who probably forget each other's names every now and then , but claim to be good friends. I sometimes wonder how easy it is for us to make friends when we are so young. Every person who was of our age group or dimensions would become our friend. There was no need to understand , observe or otherwise ascertain his/her credibility as a friend. There was even no need to contemplate upon the meaning of 'friendship' .. perhaps it came naturally to us then. And to think how ironical it is , that today as grown-ups, when we truly learn to understand relationships , appreciate the meaning of friendship , we can no longer find friends easily . It's funny how relationships begin to elude you almost at the same time as when you begin to value them...

There are moments in your life that make you want to cherish the little you have and crave to turn them into big celebrations. This is one such moment - and it goes out to all those people who COULD have been elusive , but RATHER chose to stay , to all my friends and foes alike ...!